Monday, November 05, 2012
i'm going to complain here for a minute.
these past few days have been extra rough, and normally when that happens i try to stay away from the blog. i don't feel good after writing negative posts. but today, i just need to complain.
before i went through labor, and rae came into this world, i feel like i had pretty realistic expectations on what post-labor life would be like. little sleep, lots of adjusting, tons of cuddles, exhaustion, overflowing hampers, millions of diapers, etc. i knew that there would be hard times and amazing times. but what i wasn't prepared for, was the toll that pregnancy and labor would take on my body.
i'm pretty sure that this doesn't happen to everyone, that i'm the exception. but lets just say...it's been rough.
not even including the pregnancy, which for the record was also a lot harder on my body and my mind than i expected, i'm now going on 12.5 weeks of pretty constant pain of some sort. and that, in and of itself, is exhausting. throw taking care of a baby on top of that? rough.
of course i was sore after labor. that much i expected. i remember telling g that i just couldn't wait for my body to feel back to normal; for recovery to be, for the most part, over. when i told him this it was about a week post-pardom and i expected to have one, maybe two, more weeks of recovery before i felt 100% again. it was right around that time that my body got the infection. i don't think i've forgiven my body yet for not healing right. instead of healing from the inside out, it decided to heal from the outside in. which caused an infection to occur. but it was so sneaky because from the outside, it looked like it was healing great, when really on the inside, it was just getting worse and worse. and that's why it took over a week of excruciating pain before my skin actually split open and we could figure out what was actually going on.
when i got into the doctor she did a little surgery right there on the spot. it was the worst pain i'd ever experienced, and thats coming from someone who had just delivered an 8-pound baby out of her hoo-ha 2 weeks prior. i'd say it was another 3-4 weeks before i really felt even close to healed from that trauma.
but then, there's all these things that people don't really tell ya about pregnancy and post-delivery. and this might get awkward, but i'm gonna tell ya! because you need to know what you're getting into! i'd still do it again, but i just wish i had known.
so, first of all, hemorrhoids. i got them during delivery. for weeks my doctors gave me prescription after prescription to help them go away. there were a few times that i got my hopes up that they were getting better, and then they'd just get worse. that's when we realized that on top of the hemorrhoids, i was also suffering from fissures. obviously i'm going to stay a little vague on this one, but i'll just say there hasn't been a day since delivery where i haven't teared up in pain from these. sometimes i literally want to scream.
also, breastfeeding isn't the most pleasant experience. but this is the one area where i didn't have it as bad as some other people i know. i never got scabs, but it still hurt. just prepare yourself for the worst on this one, and hopefully it doesn't meet your expectations.
so on top of all this, i had two breast lumps. one i found since having rae, and it wasn't a big deal. but the one that i've known about for 2 years grew to the size of a golf ball after labor (something about the hormones). and when it grew, it hurt. so my doctors recommended surgery. i would have loved to wait a little while on the surgery...until i wasn't still in pain from something else. but due to my insurance, we were on a bit of a time crunch. which meant that less than three months after labor, i had the surgery. it wasn't a huge surgery, but it also wasn't little. 2 hours in the operating room, and an estimated recovery of 2 weeks. i still have over a week to go. luckily now i can hold my baby girl, and if necessary, i can burp her (though it hurts).
i know i'm complaining. and i know that i'm writing this at a time when things are worse than they have been. but 9 months of pregnancy, followed by three months of constant pain has taken it's toll on me. i'm exhausted. i don't think there's been a time since labor that i haven't been on a prescription. and i hate medicine. i hate it. yesterday i took 16 pills. 16. i think i've gone to the doctor more in these last 3-months than i have in my entire life combined. and really, it's just exhausting. and expensive. i'm not that exhausted from rae. as far as babies go, i know i got an easy one. which is good because if i had to deal with a difficult baby on top of all of the pain my body has been in, i think i might die.
but i am blessed with a beautiful, healthy, easy baby. and a husband who takes such good care of me. really, he's amazing. so overall, i'd still rate my life has pretty stinkin good. and, it will get better. it has to.
this weekend was just extra hard i guess. and we forgot to tell rae that daylight savings ended and she was supposed to sleep an extra hour. so that was fun.
i know things will get better, and i'll feel 100% again. but today i'm just tired. and i felt like a little complaining would help. and it has. i feel better. so thanks for listening.