Thursday, May 29, 2014

moments: part II


Lately I've been acutely aware of how time is passing, things are changing, and the fact that I will never be here, exactly right here, again. Ever.

I think the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Rae. And just before we moved to Phoenix. I think big changes bring it on, and as a result, I spend a decent amount of time packing my memory with as many details as possible from each perfectly imperfect phase of life. 

It's not constant....more like, I'll be sitting there, enjoying a moment, and bam! I'm struck with this urge to capture every detail of that moment...the smell, taste, light, colors, sounds, what shoes I'm wearing, how Rae's hair is done, the way Garrett is laughing....every detail. 

If I'm being honest, I think most of my sentiments come from a place of anxiety. Not wanting to forget the details of life....hoping to bottle up the joys of this little happily ever after of mine. 

I can remember doing this all throughout my life, being suddenly struck with an undeniable desire to mentally photograph every detail of even the simplest moments. 

Once was when I was visiting my sister in NYC. I'm guessing I was 14 or 15. She was trying on clothes at a hip little corner store, and I was sitting on the floor of the dressing area, tired from walking the city. There was nothing amazing or even super meaningful about the moment....but we were laughing, and she was asking my 14-year old opinion on fashion. And I was just happy to be there with her. I remember the faded blue flooring, and that her dressing room was to the right of where I was sitting, and just being glad to be right there at that very moment. 

Or another time, as a little girl, driving with my Dad in his big truck. I must've only been in 2nd or 3rd grade. It was dark out and I think he was driving me home from soccer practice. Anyways, I had just taught him all the words to some silly little song that my friends and I would sing during lunch (down down baby, down by the roller coaster!). We sang that little song over and over and over, my dad and I. And I never once wondered if he wanted to be learning this cutesy little song, or singing it a million times....and I didn't have to wonder. Because he genuinely did want to learn it, and he did want to sing it. Because that's the type of dad he is. And we just smiled and sang and drove along, watching the light's reflect off his shiny red hood.

I remember wanting to scoop up every detail of these moments, and put them in a silver little box, and tuck it in the furthest corner under my bed where my most prized possessions found security. 

Anyways.

I feel like life lately has been full of those moments. And maybe I'm going a little crazy trying to find a place for them all where they can stay fresh and happy and sparkly in the archives of my memory. But it's just because things are good right now. Like, genuinely so good. And I know they'll stay good, but it'll be a different good. I don't want to forget the goodness of being 25, being married to seriously my most favorite person in the world, and having the sweetest, sassiest, smartest, spunkiest little almost-2-year old around.

The other day the three of us stood in our driveway after arriving home from somewhere (target, I think?). Rae was barefoot, so Garrett held her in his arms. It was completely dark out, and it was a full moon. It probably wasn't longer than a minute, but we all stood there and blew kisses to the moon in hopes that the moon would send them back down to Rae's Auntie Mads in the Philippines. And then we sent up kisses for cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles while we were at it. And that was it really.

Or, on Memorial Day, G rushed out to buy a cheap little sprinkler. He had a grand vision of running around the backyard in the sun, with Rae giggling and squealing next to him as the cold hose water hit their faces. And....that's pretty much exactly how it went. They lasted much longer than me, and I ended up resting my big belly in our camping chair while watching my two favorites run back and forth, holding hands and counting-down before mustering up the strength to race, face-first into the chilly water. The way Rae's eyes lit up, and Garrett smiled that real, teeth-bearing grin....it won't soon fade from my memory.
On Saturday morning we went down to the farmers market and just walked around. Guys, I've got a thing for farmers markets. I love everything about them! I have so many 'moments' saved in my memory of my mom and I buying bunches of flowers at our little down-town farmers market in Idaho....or fresh bread. You guys, the bread! So of course there was a moment on this weekend's outing that I was struck with the desire to bottle up. Rae and I had our matching salt waters on. We stopped to say hi to almost every dog and every flower, and to breathe in the aromas of the food trucks lining the street. And then Rae wrapped her little hand around her Dad's finger and I stood back and just watched them stroll. Oh, my heart.
They tell me it goes by so fast, that before I know it, she'll be graduating high school and moving off to college, and someday getting married and having a little one of her own. And so I don't want to miss a single moment of right now. Or of tomorrow...or the next day. And 20 years from now, I want to cuddle up to Garrett and say, "Remember how Rae used to climb in our bed with us on Saturday mornings, and we'd read books, and tickle, and wrestle, and stay in bed as long as our growling tummies would let us? And every once in a while, Rae would just stop what she was doing, and give me a kiss....and then she'd give you a kiss, to be fair. And then she'd just start going back and forth, putting her little hand on our cheek as she smacked her lips against ours. She'd give us countless kisses.....and then something would distract her and we'd go right back to giggling and playing. That was one of my favorite moments."
It's these moments that bring a smile to my face (and often a tear or two) as I play through them in the seconds before I fall asleep. These are the moments that my prayers are filled with, in gratitude that I'm able to experience them. They're nothing grand, but these moments are mine. And they are my favorite!

5 comments:

  1. This is beautiful Kaela. Thank you for these moments.

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  2. This is beautiful Kaela. Thank you for these moments.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's quite a complement coming from you, Laura! Thanks so much!

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  3. So beautiful, Kaela. I lost it when you mentioned Madelyn. What a wise person you are. Love you all.

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