Tuesday, November 17, 2015

random ramblings

First of all,
Adele, you crazy crazy beautiful super-hero rock-star, I love you.
Go to THIS LINK right now, and watch and listen.
You're welcome.

Second of all,
This blog post is going to be totally pointless for the general population. You're warned.

Third of all,
This just in, I'm back. And I'm celebrating.
I don't know why I seem to have a harder time than most, but pregnancy just kinda kills me.
A little part of me is embarrassed to be writing this, but it's is my story, and this is definitely part of it.
It's not like I've been gone for the for the past two years (which is when I got pregnant with Johnbaby), but I just feel like I've been hazy. I don't even know if that's the right word for it, but it's the most applicable one that I can think of right now.
I just kinda feel like I've not been myself....or maybe just like 80% of myself.
It feels like I can't catch up with life,
like I'm always just a little bit behind.
I've felt a little more stressed and anxious,
and just kinda exhausted from even a normal day.
I've been a little more insecure,
and cared a little too much what people think of me,
or what I think people are thinking of me.
As much as I try to be organized,
it seems like I can never get out of the mess.
I feel like I get pregnant, and all of a sudden I'm not functioning at full capacity.
Which feels like I'm not at my full potential.
And even though I'm trying, I just can't seem to get there.
And I get it, because, p r e g n a n c y...
But then, I wasn't pregnant anymore, and nothing changed.
And maybe that's just motherhood for ya?
Maybe....but I feel like it was a little more than that.
And it's not postpartum depression or anxiety, because I know a small-bit what that feels like from Rae.
This was different. Less of a big deal. It wasn't scary or hard, it was just tiring and confusing.
It was fine, really not a huge deal.
More annoying than anything else.
Just something that I feel like I've been 'chugging along' with the past little while.

But the point is
that I think it's gone!

The past two weeks I've suddenly been at 100%.
Taking deep breaths and feeling my lungs fill all the way with air.
Walking with a skip in my step, and my shoulders lifted high.
Waking up to a clean house, and easily staying on top of the mess.
Having the energy to fill my day with one trillion things I can be proud of,
like reading to my kids for an excessively long time, and building the same block tower 900 times and cheering 900 times when my kids knock it down, and running around the house playing 'the monster game,' as Rae calls it.
And at the end of the day, feeling like I have the brain capacity/energy to read a book, instead of stare mindlessly at the TV, or browse apps on my phone.
Feeling excited to go out-and-about, and talk to new people, and go on adventures.

Even just the fact that I suddenly have the energy and enthusiasm to be writing on this here bloggity.

Yesterday when the kids were both down for their naps, I put on some music to clean up to. Next thing I knew, I was having a dance party in my kitchen nook, by myself, and just having a grand time.
And afterwards, I sat down and just knew,
I'm back.
And ohmygosh am I so dang happy about it.

Like, FINALLY.

Dear kids of mine,
I love you times one trillion gazillion.
But the things I go through to get you here,
holy crap, it's not easy for me.
Totally worth it. But still hard.
I love you forever.
Love,
Mommy

And really that's all I'm here to say today.
All that, plus a little yippppppeeee!!!


4 comments:

  1. I seriously get it. For real. It's like you're in a dim cloud of survival mode, and barely treading water enough to keep your head above the surface of all the billions of things you have to do. It's the difficulty of having multiple children and endlessssss needs that need to be met. I relate well :) Feel like I'm just coming out of it, barely, myself.

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  2. I seriously get it. For real. It's like you're in a dim cloud of survival mode, and barely treading water enough to keep your head above the surface of all the billions of things you have to do. It's the difficulty of having multiple children and endlessssss needs that need to be met. I relate well :) Feel like I'm just coming out of it, barely, myself.

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    Replies
    1. Ah, such a relief to hear...that I'm not the only one! I will say, I think it makes motherhood and our role as homemaker that much sweeter once we do come out of it. It's like lifting your head out of the fog to the tune of angels signing the 'hallelujah' chorus!

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  3. Sounds like life as a mom (especially of multiple kids). It's hard work, both mentally and physically, and I truly believe motherhood is full of ebbs and flows. Some weeks I feel like I'm rocking it, and some months I feel like I'm failing miserably. I think part of it is also maturing as a mother and realizing what matters to YOU, and being able to let go of the rest. It's obvious you are a good mom, and just a wonderful woman with a love for life!

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